


Stinson Scherbatsky 2 Revenge of the Swarkles Fandom

by romanticjunkie83



Series: Barney and Robin Spies in Action [2]
Category: How I Met Your Mother
Genre: Adult Content, F/M, Humor, Parody, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-01
Updated: 2015-04-01
Packaged: 2018-03-20 17:01:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,456
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3658185
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/romanticjunkie83/pseuds/romanticjunkie83
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sequel to Tango Dance of Spies, Read that first to understand the story. Barney and Robin discover they are in the middle of an extreme plot to be split up for good. So they join forces once again and destroy their enemies the only way they know how by murder</p>
            </blockquote>





	Stinson Scherbatsky 2 Revenge of the Swarkles Fandom

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer - this is a PARODY fanfiction story. I do not wish any harm to the creators of How I Met Your Mother regardless of how ridiculous the writing was of THAT AUE. This is merely a rant to let off steam about the worst nightmare this writer has ever seen on her computer screen. Read at your own risk. 
> 
> To avoid confusion, Robin is Jessica Rabbit, Barney is Sir Goofy, Marshall is Donald and Lily is Daisy

Stinson Scherbatsky 2  
Revenge of the Swarkles Fandom

One year ago

Ted’s office in the GNB building.  
The plan was set, the wondrous double duo that I called my friends were on the brink of falling apart and I could not be happier. I would meet my demise, Barney and Robin would freak when they found what I had done. Besides, do you know what wouldn’t? I did not care. Lily and Marshall deserved their fates as well. Knocking Lily to the ground after throwing her across the damn room was one of the better things I had done in my lifetime. What a nice person I was. I will always be that person and no one can stop me. No one except my best friends. The double duo called the creators. The best friends a character can have. CB and CT I salute you, no one like you can let me down as my friends did over my entire lifetime. 

I, Theodore Evelyn Mosby, swear to do the best I can to do the worst possible job and change my so-called best friends lives. No one can know what my agenda is. I have to wait and see the best place and time to present the best possible death. My best friends were beloved characters, until Barney and Robin got together and became soul mates. My brothers, my creators, my beloved would appreciate it. Besides, by the sound of things by the noisy racket Robin and Barney made now. Might I say how lovely Robin looked this evening? She made me want to eat her completely like my favourite fruit, strawberries dipped in chocolate. Mm my favourite treat. Besides, no time for that. Once this job is complete. All I have to do is decease. 

May 2014

Barney and Robin enjoyed a quiet night in, snuggled on the couch stretching their eyeballs to the brink against Barney’s legendary 300 inch TV. Robin was in awe that she and her beloved husband had not lost their sight. 

A rapid knocking on the front door and a shriek and yelp broke them from their slumber. 

They looked a moment before Barney raced to the door to find what the matter was. Barney pushed the door open, and a hysterical Lily and Marshall raced through it in tears. 

‘Barney…Robin…’ ‘Oh thank goodness.’ Lily said. 

‘We wouldn’t have known what to do if you hadn’t been’ Marshall said as he gasped and took a deep breath. They needed the rest but the news was so awful they could not let it lie. Not this time.

‘Guys, guys’ Robin said, ‘What’s the matter? What’s got you so worked up that you can’t speak?’

Barney came to the back of the couch and put his arm around the pair of them. He would not hug anyone except his beautiful wife Robin, but this was an emergency. 

What came out of Lily Aldrin’s mouth, stopped him and Robin cold.

‘You guys will divorce in three years.’

One Hour Before

‘Honey I’m Home.’

Marshall called in glee as he stepped into the apartment they would always call home.

While Lily enjoyed the best year she could have had with Marshall at night. (It was not their fault that it was the one-time Daisy had drifted off to sleep. a bomb threat next door had caused them to have the best woo-hoo they had since they arrived.) 

They were home now. 

Lily and Marshall had barely stepped into the room when Lily screamed and cowered behind Marshall.

‘What is that?’

Marshall’s mother screeched. 

Ted’s dead body lay in front of them.

On Ted's left arm pulled tight with a black ribbon was a small envelope. He always did say before he turned evil that it was his most creative arm.

‘Who could be so evil?’ Lily muttered.

‘What have we done to deserve this fate?’Marshall muttered as he tried to muster the courage to discover what lay in among that evil envelope.

‘You killed Ted,’ Lily’s dad added as he brought the children into the room. 

‘Get them out.’ Mrs Erickson said, as she took hold of Marvin’s hand and Daisy’s pram handle and rushed them into the nursery without a second look.

 

‘Anyone going to open that?’ Lily’s dad said.

Marshall let out a humourless snarl ‘Be my guest’

He said, as Mickey rushed forward and grabbed the envelope from Ted’s hand without a second glance. 

 

Present Time

‘Let me guess,’ Barney said with an angry look, which could rival any which had gone before it. ‘Bad guys threatened to blackmail us with divorce. Because if good old Teddy boy doesn’t get what he wants no one does.’

Lily and Marshall nodded 

‘No, no…’ Barney spluttered ‘That can’t be true…’

‘Who would be that foolish…?’ Robin said.

‘To believe after six years of love and heartache and getting our happy ending…’ Barney continued, 

‘We aren’t divorcing.’ Robin said.

‘Who could be that evil?’Marshall said.

‘Exactly’ Barney said, no way, he and Robin would divorce. 

Marshall pulled his head from the dark abyss of the floor and faced his good friend. ‘The creators CFB and CT’ Marshall said.

Barney and Robin looked at Lily and Marshall in horror. ‘Does Ted want us to know something from the grave?’ They mouthed to each other.

 

As they took in the tear-stained faces of Lily and Marshall. Ted, of course, was dead. Whatever human person wanted to destroy them would have hell to pay. They would never get themselves alive.

Barney let an evil laugh.

‘Well, Scherbatsky and Stinson the awesome spies have an appointment with death’He said

Robin gave a small gasp, ‘With death?’She asked her husband.

‘Indeed’ He said, ‘We get through with these so-called ‘creators’ as they call themselves. Ted’s cohorts in crime they will never be. We will be the ones left alive.’

\--  
One month later

‘Hey Scherbatsky,’ Barney called to her 

‘Yeah Barn?’

‘You in position?’

‘Ah there we go; the last camera’s on, babe. We have to make sure they work and we’ll be ready to roll.’

‘Awesome, Marshall and Lily called. They have the evidence they found yesterday which proves that Ted did this.’

‘We’ll have to wait and see.’

‘Oh come on, Robin. I love you but if anyone is injured it will not be either you or me. We are too awesome. No bomb explosion or gas leak will keep the Stinson Scherbatsky spies from danger.’

‘Don’t you mean the Scherbatsky Stinson’s? I always go first you know.’

‘Oh whatever, shush, the first picture’s here. I don’t particularly want to miss a moment of this momentous occasion.’

‘Yes sir. Me neither Barn, are you in position?’

‘Sure am, Scherbatsky.’

‘Let’s get the death mission started.’

\--

One hour later  
‘Code red, six twenty four, code one sixty-four more one two three, count one two three. One two three.’

‘Come in, which ox vortex one two three. Contact one the first, two the second. Three the third. Come in Sir Goofy, are you on code, send Miss Jessica rabbit if needed.’ 

‘I copy, one two three, contact four the fourth, five the fifth, six the sixth. Jessica rabbit are you in position, one two three. I repeat one two three. ‘

‘I copy one two three. Sir Goofy, one the first, two the second, three the third, hold your position. One, two three. Do you follow, Miss Daisy and monsieur Donald, do you follow, one two three.’

‘We follow, one two three, Miss Jessica rabbit. Seven the seventh, eight for eight, nine for nine. Hold your position, Sir Goofy, we are ready to receive our mission brief, one two three.’

‘Code red, three two one, Jessica rabbit what do you see?’

Robin took the first watch at the apartment window. The two of them had been on the next-door roof exactly twenty-five minutes. 

‘Robin, Miss Jessica’

Barney’s voice said

‘Yeah, Barn,’

‘You should see this.’

She ran to her husband’s side.

She got there super quick. Barney Stinson did not need to tell her twice. 

‘Can you believe that?’ Barney hissed into her ear.

They looked through a window on the other side of them.

Two men looked over their shoulders every two seconds, away from the window at a whiteboard. Something scared them.

‘Barn, Sir Goofy, pass me your binoculars will you’

‘You didn’t throw yours over the ledge did you?’

‘What do you think?’

‘Fine, 

He said as he handed his new ones to his wife. Who squealed with delight.

‘You’re buying the binoculars next time. I cannot afford another pair.’

‘Whatever,’ Robin said as she peered through the binoculars at a closer look at the perpetrators.

It did not look good. 

‘What can you see, Miss Jessica?’

‘It looks they have organised a fraud.’

It hit her as a bull hits its owner’s red flag at full force.

Robin gasped as she floored it to the ground she did not care what happened to those blasted binoculars this time.

‘Miss Jessica, Robin what’s wrong?’ Barney muttered in alarm.

‘Oh crap.’ She muttered.

They had mere seconds before a catastrophic event would destroy them all. It was not good.

‘Sir Goofy get down!’ She screamed at full pitch as Barney hissed as he took hold of her hand and pulled her under the ledge beneath their feet.

 

The unmistakable sound of a gigantic bomb blew up the night sky. The bomb remnants filled the place with lead and peppered the two of them. Barney and Robin were lucky they were not more covered in shrapnel. 

‘Oh crap,’ Barney hissed, 

He tried to look over the ledge when Robin yelled. ‘Barney, no!’

‘Grenade!’ Barney yelled as they flew to the ground in agony. 

It took all Robin’s willpower to grab hold of her husband’s hand, pull him alongside her, and not screech aloud. 

As they ran, a crackled noise came over the loudspeaker on Barney’s left wrist.

Of course, Marshall and Lily had to get their attention at exactly the wrong moment in time. 

‘Miss Jessica, Sir Goofy are you there?’

Marshall’s voice crackled over Barney’s watch speaker. As screamed hoots of anguish came over Lily’s end

‘Cannot talk Marshall, will be destroyed.’

Barney muttered under his breath as at last, they fled to a safe spot on the apartment complex’s roof other side.

It was not either one of those fools who call themselves creators of a TV show had a brain in either of their bodies.

Heck, they had used a made-up character to destroy their lives. 

‘Got you, will wait till it’s safe and clear,’ Marshall said.

 

For someone who did not cry she had a strong grip, Robin was not letting go of her husband anytime soon. She needed his protection now more than she ever had...

The noise and racket from the firecracker the bomb had become seemed to go on forever. Ted not getting his girl did not need this overreaction, not at all. 

Barney shook his head at the stupidity of it. 

‘Is it safe Barney, Sir Goofy?’

Robin whispered into her husband’s ear.

The silence seemed to answer the question. 

At last, he was safe. Barney lifted his head above the apartment roof ledge and looked at the next-door’s apartment skyline.

The roof across them damaged beyond repair. The windows shattered and glassless pictures showed them what might have been. 

The bomb was deliberately lit.

‘Damn it’ Barney hissed under his breath

Robin could not believe it.

Did Ted think destroying the lives they had was worth this much trouble?

She did not have the heart or the words to convince either Barney or her truth of how much of a monster their former best friend had become.

‘How… how?’

Barney put his arm around her shoulders and pulled her close.

‘I don’t know babe… I don’t know,’ He said. 

 

One hour before

Marshall, I told you to stay quiet Daisy, Goofy will have our heads if we do not stay quiet.  
Lily: but it scares me Donald, Jessica Rabbit will have me first.  
Robin…’people will you stay quiet.’  
Lily: ‘Yes Miss Jessica, we can try.’

 

Present time

Robin and Barney raced down the building hall. Barney grabbed hold of her black hoodie and slammed them both into the nearest cupboard he could find. 

Luckily, Marshall and Lily had more luck than they did. , Marshall and Lily took the nearest exit of the building and set forth to house ninety-three. The safe house Barney commissioned to Marshall and Lily the day Barney and Robin found they were to divorce. Marshall and Lily were the first people apart from Robin who Barney wanted to keep safe from harm. 

Once Marshall and Lily were in the safe house, Lily seemed to withdraw into herself and Marshall was sick with worry. 

'Lily' Marshall called to her moments later.

Ted was dead; an evil duo was after their way of life. Barney and Robin were stuck in the imaginary evil world clutched between good AND evil. …Lily was at a loss of what to do. Someone else could do it. She could not bother anymore.

'Lily, earth to Lily' A warped voice said.

‘LILY’ A massive hand shook her shoulder hard

That got her attention.

‘Aahh!’ She said as she swirled to face her sheepish husband ‘What was that for?’ 

‘Gee I wonder,’ A familiar voice remarked on the watch speaker on Marshall’s left arm.

‘Get a grip Lily pad, I don’t, well we don’t need you failing on us when we need you most.’

Lily softened her stance and breathed two or three times.

‘Sorry Robin’ She said to her best friend.

‘I let everything which has happened get on top of me and its evil clutches don't want to let me go, that’s all.’

‘Whatever dude, did Marshall Get you guys into house ninety three or do we have to rescue you from danger like last time.’

‘Come on Robin, don’t be like that.’ Marshall interrupted.

‘Well are you people safe or not, it is a simple question Marshall, you don’t have to act all defensive on me when it’s between life and death. It’s not practical or do I need Barney to get your ass.’

To lead by example, Barney let out a distinctive clack of a reloaded shotgun.

‘Okay fine’ Marshall hissed, as he grabbed hold of his wife’s hand, dragging her two flights of stairs to the panic room.

‘Ok, we’re safe,’ He said.

‘Good.’ Robin replied, happily.

Lily cried. She did not want her best friends to die. No one had the right to choose a bride that way. Least of all Ted Evelyn Mosby. Man why did they trust him. She had no idea. 

 

A wonderful sound came over the airwaves. 

‘Marshall, Lily,' It was Barney. He sounded out of breath but it was he was revelling in the glory of his success. 

‘Oh thank goodness,’ Marshall let out a ragged breath he did not realise he had held. 

‘You guys ok?’ Lily asked.

‘Yeah, we’re ok guys; the police are on it. We would tell the FBI but we did not think they needed to know. ‘

‘Are you crazy?’ Lily shouted, making Marshall jump. 

‘You could have died, whatever you have on those imbeciles, the CIA and the FBI deserved to know what those guys did to you.’

‘Yes, but not if we have the means to kill them you know’

‘What! You aren’t still going ahead with the awful plan are you?’

‘What else do you want us to do Lily, hope they do not kill us first? Get your head out of your ass. We are spies and that is what spies do. The best we can do is to destroy the creators before they destroy us.’

‘Fine’

‘How do you plan on it succeeding, I want to know. The first try blew you away.’ Marshall asked.

‘Are you out of the janitor’s closet and in a safe space?’ Lily interrupted them.

‘Yes, we are. No need to worry your little heads off honey bears. Mrs Stinson and I have a plan, and nothing you say will make us change our minds from the most awesome plan.’

 

‘Guys please, don’t tell me you’re where the bomb originated.’ Marshall said.

‘That’s exactly where we are and exactly where we will stay.’ Robin said, as she joined her husband in evil laughter.

‘Don’t get yourselves killed.’ Lily warned them. ‘We don’t want to be the last people standing in our gang

‘Relax Lily, we won’t.’ Barney said as he pulled an unmistakably red jacket and two heavy black gloves from his backpack. 

These creators’ lives would end now.

\--

A man waited inside the darkened building’s hallway. Neither Barney nor Robin expected him.

‘Come with me,' The man said. ‘CB and CT aren’t here but I can show you where they have gone.’

Barney and Robin stared. They had no idea who this person was. Was he an enemy and betrayer or was he there to help them on their way?

Barney looked and waited to see what his wife had to say. He could not trust his own judgement now. In these situations, Robin was right on the ball where he could not be. 

'Why are you staring at me?' The mysterious man asked. 'I would not hurt you. If I did, you would be dead already.'

'Hello? Anyone?' The mysterious man said as they continued to not reply.

Robin and Barney ignored him; they had their own games to play. No point waiting any longer the man was here and the creators were no closer to being killed.

 

Robin looked at the man and gasped, why had they been so stupid?

Barney looked as shocked as she did, 'Carl, is that you?' They asked him. 

‘I thought you would never ask.' Carl said. 

 

They grabbed hold of Carl and slammed him into the nearest brick wall. They were the bad people now and they would get away with it too if they had to kill someone other than the creators well so be it. 

'What are you doing?' Carl gasped, ‘I am on your side.' 

'Aanndd that is what I thought you’d say.' Barney laughed 

Carl stared at him. 

They took an arm, dragged Carl to the nearest tree, and pulled him tight against the tree trunk until he could not move.

‘We know you’re on our side,’ Robin said.

‘But you’re our folly, our guinea pig and we’re in control of you to get what we want, regardless of the nasty consequences. 

‘But…but how did you know?’ Carl said.

He was not that bad of a liar.

Barney and Robin ignored Carl. If they had fallen into his trap. Carl would have led them astray and tied themselves in a level of bureaucratic madness they were not prepared to deal. 

They bundled his mouth with a rag made from an old tie; in fact, the one Barney had retired the night before he became a spy. The night was young and Stinson Scherbatsky was ready to play. So all they had to do was wait and wonder to see if those people who called themselves creators would fall for their prey. 

Just as they finished binding Carl lights appeared. Robin tapped Barney on the shoulder. In no time, the creator’s lives were in their hands. 

‘Well if it isn’t tricky McPhee and his apple tree,’ Barney snarled at CT.

‘Well how do you do to you as well my creation shouldn’t exist outside me and my fellow creators’ minds.’ CT said.

As a creature had lost his fight or his life you might say. 

Barney could see an opportunity when he could catch one and this one was too good to pass.

The person would be lucky if either of them would not chew his ears. The characters mockery, his fellow creator had performed for them. 

 

Robin sneered ‘Fat chance.'

‘What? How?’ CT said.

‘Let’s just say. We character’s sometimes have minds of our own. We plan to use them in ways you will never comprehend.’ Barney said.

‘Come on Barney,’ She wanted the men to come off their high horses enough so she could kill CT. 

‘But I love you guys, your actors and crew members are wonderful people’ CT said. 

Barney did not care. ‘Cut the crap you, why did you destroy our lives?’He said. 

It was not as if CT had any brains anyway, Barney hoped not.

CT shrugged his shoulders, as if Barney and Robin were wisps of paper in mid-air. 

It was not as if they have suffered for his actions. To rip an infected Band-Aid off another wound. CT opened his mouth. ‘Because you don’t belong, the story was Ted’s story and you two don’t exist in this world’

He said, not taking a single climb towards the semblance of truth the Barney and Robin tried to put towards him. 

‘Hell it doesn’t.’ Robin said, as she raced Barney to grab hold of his arms and pummel him to the ground. Within moments, they had killed him.

CB fled with Robin hot on his heels. She knocked him onto the floor as his heels touched the next room’s carpet floor. CB was face to face with Barney, his least favourite character. 

‘You are joking right?’ Barney said, As he snarled at the man. Barney hoped CB and his fellow creator weren’t stupid enough to believe the lies they told him right to his face.’

‘No.’ CB said

CB did not let anyone, not even Barney Stinson get in his way. 

‘You must be joking; no one is stupid enough to believe the utter crap you want your viewers to believe.’ No way would his character development end up in the drain. No way.

CB shook his head and glared at this fool of a character.

Not a man himself to let himself be free of all his evil debt and devious behaviour. It would not be the same without CB’s good fortune to develop these beautiful characters. Nothing Barney said would sway CB in any other direction.

‘Why not, I do’ CB said. ‘Yes, because you’re stupid not smart so why should you’

'Yep, he sure had proven himself wrong'. 

Barney shook his head, the man was so past delusion, to get into his head would be utter ludicrous. 

‘I am the greatest man in this land and no one; no one believes anything else you fair Barney Stinson said.’

‘Yep’

Barney looked to Robin with an evil sneer. Blood covered Robin from head to toe and a similar smirk covered her face. One man was down, stabbed in the back. She loved a good fight whether she played or not. This was a better fight than others were. 

Barney was her soul mate and as close a friend as she would have and had in the time she had spent in New York in the last ten years. 

‘Gimme a break, if you wanted me to listen to this crap. You lost that battle a long time ago. You may believe you are a fair maiden and a nice person. But what you say in life doesn’t amount to anything, right now.’ Barney said.

He turned away from his ultimate enemy. As he slid, his borrowed Sig Sauer from the holder. His enemy’s death would make him savour all the time he would spend with Robin. This monster in front of him would never see it coming and he preferred it that way.

He gave Robin a big smile in time to hear CB say. ‘Aren’t I, I am the genius not you’ 

The blond haired man smirked. ‘If you say so, I’m disregarding everything you say so it doesn’t mean a single thing to me.’

Barney breathed down the man’s neck, as he grabbed hold of his shirt collar as hard as he could and with one simple click and blast of fire later. 

The man’s shoulder shattered apart and if Barney was not mistaken a cry of hopelessness. No time for that, he had work to do and he wanted to finish it. 

He and his beautiful wife Robin would soon be free of his angry wrath. 

‘Come on, Barney.’ Robin hissed 

‘Please no,’ The man said, 

He was a good man wasn’t he? 

‘Shut up Robin,’ Barney hissed.

‘Can’t you see I’m killing a man? It’s not you, who is in the business of something horrid and dastardly right now.'

By the time Barney finished the job, it would be midnight.

'Do you need any help Barney,' she said.

Scrap the universe talk her former boyfriend Ted Mosby had so inspired her with not two years beforehand. Before she could come any closer to the man. CB shrieked as Barney plunged into the most gruesome look Robin had seen on a man before and was unlikely to see again. In two slaps of a wrist and a gunshot noise later, the man most foul, CB was dead.

###

Robin and Barney raced from the production house as security guards looked elsewhere. Others applauded them for the honourable work they had done. It seemed they four including Lily and Marshall were not the only ones who wanted these people dead. They tore off their bloody clothes and replaced them with their regular clothes. No one needed to know the real Barney Stinson and Robin Scherbatsky were capable of a vile act of murder. The mutilation of a fellow man and creator of said characters as they had. If one was clever enough to know what they had done, Barney and Robin did not care. It was time to get Lily and Marshall and hotfoot it to the safety of their upside-down lives. As they had lived before the whole mess started. 

Robin took one look at her husband as they slipped out from the building and smiled. They completed the death mission. Lily and Marshall would not have to fear their lives anymore. Marvin would not know a single thing about his aunt and uncle’s double life either. 

'I love you Robin Stinson.'

Barney said, lovingly as he kissed her cheek.

'I love you Barney Scherbatsky'

Robin said, giving him another kiss in return.

 

Lily ran to them in tears and Marshall gave them the biggest bear hug he had in him. No one feared for his or her existences anymore. Everyone and everything happened the way it did. No excuses needed. 

Later that night, their disguises taken and their real selves back to normal. Barney took hold of Robin’s hands and led her to the bedroom.

Barney could not wait to have his wife back in his arms once more.


End file.
